The black sheet of night sky curtains the window, the clock ticks ominously as the minutes crawl through the darkness, each waking moment a threat to the day ahead. As if the sun were sending a messenger to warn that the sleeping hours are slipping away, the blackness seeps into a bruise of purple-blue…insult to injury. The hues of brownish-orange announce the great ball of fire nearing the edge of the horizon, nudging you toward the beginning of a new day. Eyes fixed on the pane of glass, the veil of night evaporates. The tap, tap, tapping of the crooked finger that pierced the cool air is now vibrant with green leaves as the sky grows brighter. Delicate notes float through the air as the feathered creatures cheerfully proclaim, arise and shine. Nature seems to be dictating the next course of action. Even the dust particles are dancing in the stream of light.
Moving through grief is like being submerged in the darkness of sleeplessness night after night, only to be slapped in the face with a new day. When the moments of light come they are not alone. Riding on the rays are thoughts of guilt and shame for getting on with living.
Grief and sleeplessness often go hand in hand, both reflecting a Kaleidoscope of colors that shapeshift without asking your permission. The rest of the world goes on while you feel singularly trapped inside a tube filled with shards of glass that seem to mock your pain. Even the cheerfulness of the day is like an affront to the loss you are suffering. And when the beautiful glass pieces fall into place momentarily pulling you from your heartache, without warning they shift again and you are left in darkness.
What we can be hopeful for is that as time goes on both the intensity of the pain and the frequency with which we feel it decreases. Having a space to talk about your anger, depression, and sense of isolation (surrounded by well-meaning others or not) is worth securing for yourself. You are allowed to be angry and sad. Find an other to be your container who is skilled in the art of listening and holding space.