There are some things in life that seem almost unbearable. A mosquito bite on a humid night that beckons to be soothed by the scraping of fingernails against irritated flesh. The euphoria of relief when you give in to the desperate desire, only to have the fiery anguish howl once again, relentlessly begging to be extinguished over and over.
When a loved one (partner, lover, parent, sibling, friend, family member) disappoints us time and again, it can feel similar to a nagging itch that we can’t quite reach or soothe with any kind of finality. We go through a similar process of noticing the irritation, working toward a resolution, experiencing momentary relief only to have the same instance happen anew leaving us feeling perpetually let down.
We start to feel dried up like there is nothing more we can give. Like the dry desert ground, not even a fresh spring rain of effort from the other can penetrate the hard surface.
It can feel like a season of drought. We might feel like we are trudging along under the hot sun each day with nothing to quench our thirst.
This is where the importance of an internal oasis is essential. Relationships are difficult to end. We all need a sense of security and belonging, so we will often hold onto what is not replenishing our soul but offers the comfort of the safe and familiar. A sort of canopy that provides a certain amount of shade and protection from the elements extending a sense of preservation.
Guilt, shame and fear will often rise up as we weigh the pros and cons of the relationship…our reasons for staying in it, our reasons for considering an ending.
This is the time when drinking from our own internal oasis can offer a sort of refreshing as we gather our wits and take time to process through. We gain our strength. We decide if we can tolerate the disappointment and continue in the relationship for the sake of the parts that do soothe our soul, offer comfort and security; or rally the courage to end the relationship, set limits that create comfortable distance, or try something new altogether.
Sometimes there’s an itch that we just can’t scratch, and we find a way to balance tolerating the disappointment while having some of our needs met elsewhere…other friends, family members, lovers, relationships. Not all of our needs are meant to be met by one or even a few people.
Transparency with yourself and the other is the key that opens the door to new possibilities.